Watchmen

More and more, I am of the opinion that viral marketing = bad movie. As you know, Watchmen has been touted since last summer as "the next great graphic novel adaptation." And when I say touted, I mean advertised out the wazoo for weeks upon months.

Unfortunately, the hype was a little much, and if people are looking for 300-level excitement, this movie will sorely disappoint. Not only was the film weaker than weak, it was at times downright difficult to watch. The film (and graphic novel) certainly has a philosophy to espouse, but it takes - get ready - two hours and forty minutes to make its point. And when the movie finally does come in for a landing, you are not breathless, shocked, curious, [insert any synonym of "awed" here]. In fact, you're probably asleep by the end of the film. Because when its violence isn't making you squirm in your seat and cover your face, its tedium and verbosity are making you yawn and check your watch.

The Watchmen are a group of superheroes who are really more like vigilantes. They have no superpowers, depending instead on their BAMFish qualities to take down the bad guys. They exist in a - brace yourself - dystopian alternate America in 1985. Nixon is still President (neat?), cars can fly (k?), and crime is rampant (surprise!). One of them, The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is murdered, and the film's premise follows Rohrschach (Jackie Earle Haley) as he attempts to solve the murder. Rohrschach believes someone is out to kill all the existing Watchmen, who have been banned from fighting crime. No one knows the real identities of the former crime fighters, for they were always masked. The mystery is: How did someone discover The Comedian's true identity? Is his murder related at all to his Watchman status? What the hell is going on?

Anyway, we also meet Silk Spectre II (Malin Akerman), Ozymandias (Matthew Goode), Nite Owl II (Patrick Wilson), and Dr. Manhattan('s penis) (Billy Crudup)('s CGI-enhanced penis). Dr. Manhattan, the only Watchman with real superpowers, survived a freak accident that left him indestructable, blue, emotionless, shapeshifting, time-stopping, everything else awesome, and naked. He is, in fact, nude for almost the entire film, which I didn't mind so much, except that I don't know how the film's target market (young men) felt when they saw an enormous blue penis swinging around for the duration. It's ever-present, almost surreal, never sexual, and always comical. Trust me, by the end, you'll be laughing everytime Dr. Manhattan('s penis) appears on screen.

Now for the violence. Watchmen contains more than its share of graphic, graphic violence. Unnecessarily gross, exaggerated, and gory. Wanna see a person explode? This movie's for you. How about a man getting his arms cut off with a table saw? Buy a ticket. Subtle, this movie is not. Heavy on the blood, this movie totally is. I'll give the filmmakers one thing: they embrace the gore factor wholeheartedly.

The characters run the emotional gamut from A to B. Dr. Manhattan('s penis) has no human qualities anymore, other than his physical form. The Comedian, at one point, carelessly murders his pregnant girlfriend because she needs his help with the baby. Rohrschach speaks with a Batman growl that betrays no character. Basically, the film rests on Silk Spectre II and Nite Owl II, who try hard (and engage in a ridiculously lengthy and graphic sex scene that could easily fit into a pornographic film), but never really lift this baby off the ground.

I don't know who would really enjoy this film. Action mongers will be left needing a little more. Those looking for a human story will be highly disappointed. Young male audiences will be uncomfortable and forced to make fun of Dr. Manhattan('s penis) with their buddies to stave off the insecurity. Who's left? Only those that have been duped by this film's deceptive marketing. Judging by the opening weekend numbers, I'd say the marketing department pretty much saved this film from flopping on the deck like a dying fish. And like that fish, you'll be gasping for air by the time nearly three hours of your life have passed you by.

VERDICT:
There's really not much left to say. Overall, Watchmen fails on every level. Its philosophy is tired, its plot is sluggish and excessive, its characters are perhaps too flawed. In the end, you'll probably want your money back. I know I did. I strongly recommend using your time more productively. The film: 5/10. Dr. Manhattan's penis: I'm guessing 9" or 10".