Watchmen

More and more, I am of the opinion that viral marketing = bad movie. As you know, Watchmen has been touted since last summer as "the next great graphic novel adaptation." And when I say touted, I mean advertised out the wazoo for weeks upon months.

Unfortunately, the hype was a little much, and if people are looking for 300-level excitement, this movie will sorely disappoint. Not only was the film weaker than weak, it was at times downright difficult to watch. The film (and graphic novel) certainly has a philosophy to espouse, but it takes - get ready - two hours and forty minutes to make its point. And when the movie finally does come in for a landing, you are not breathless, shocked, curious, [insert any synonym of "awed" here]. In fact, you're probably asleep by the end of the film. Because when its violence isn't making you squirm in your seat and cover your face, its tedium and verbosity are making you yawn and check your watch.

The Watchmen are a group of superheroes who are really more like vigilantes. They have no superpowers, depending instead on their BAMFish qualities to take down the bad guys. They exist in a - brace yourself - dystopian alternate America in 1985. Nixon is still President (neat?), cars can fly (k?), and crime is rampant (surprise!). One of them, The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is murdered, and the film's premise follows Rohrschach (Jackie Earle Haley) as he attempts to solve the murder. Rohrschach believes someone is out to kill all the existing Watchmen, who have been banned from fighting crime. No one knows the real identities of the former crime fighters, for they were always masked. The mystery is: How did someone discover The Comedian's true identity? Is his murder related at all to his Watchman status? What the hell is going on?

Anyway, we also meet Silk Spectre II (Malin Akerman), Ozymandias (Matthew Goode), Nite Owl II (Patrick Wilson), and Dr. Manhattan('s penis) (Billy Crudup)('s CGI-enhanced penis). Dr. Manhattan, the only Watchman with real superpowers, survived a freak accident that left him indestructable, blue, emotionless, shapeshifting, time-stopping, everything else awesome, and naked. He is, in fact, nude for almost the entire film, which I didn't mind so much, except that I don't know how the film's target market (young men) felt when they saw an enormous blue penis swinging around for the duration. It's ever-present, almost surreal, never sexual, and always comical. Trust me, by the end, you'll be laughing everytime Dr. Manhattan('s penis) appears on screen.

Now for the violence. Watchmen contains more than its share of graphic, graphic violence. Unnecessarily gross, exaggerated, and gory. Wanna see a person explode? This movie's for you. How about a man getting his arms cut off with a table saw? Buy a ticket. Subtle, this movie is not. Heavy on the blood, this movie totally is. I'll give the filmmakers one thing: they embrace the gore factor wholeheartedly.

The characters run the emotional gamut from A to B. Dr. Manhattan('s penis) has no human qualities anymore, other than his physical form. The Comedian, at one point, carelessly murders his pregnant girlfriend because she needs his help with the baby. Rohrschach speaks with a Batman growl that betrays no character. Basically, the film rests on Silk Spectre II and Nite Owl II, who try hard (and engage in a ridiculously lengthy and graphic sex scene that could easily fit into a pornographic film), but never really lift this baby off the ground.

I don't know who would really enjoy this film. Action mongers will be left needing a little more. Those looking for a human story will be highly disappointed. Young male audiences will be uncomfortable and forced to make fun of Dr. Manhattan('s penis) with their buddies to stave off the insecurity. Who's left? Only those that have been duped by this film's deceptive marketing. Judging by the opening weekend numbers, I'd say the marketing department pretty much saved this film from flopping on the deck like a dying fish. And like that fish, you'll be gasping for air by the time nearly three hours of your life have passed you by.

VERDICT:
There's really not much left to say. Overall, Watchmen fails on every level. Its philosophy is tired, its plot is sluggish and excessive, its characters are perhaps too flawed. In the end, you'll probably want your money back. I know I did. I strongly recommend using your time more productively. The film: 5/10. Dr. Manhattan's penis: I'm guessing 9" or 10".

Wanted

All I knew going into this movie was what the trailer showed me: relentless action, a fish out of water becoming an assassin, Angelina Jolie in yet another bad ass role, etc. It wasn't much to go on. So I was actually pleasantly surprised by the overall plot and execution of Wanted. Directed by Russian-Kazakh filmmaker Timur Bekmambetov, the movie flows quite smoothly from Acts I, II, and III and never bores the audience.

And I could easily read the audience - far from bored. At one point, a frat-tastic gentleman behind me hollered, very enthusiastically, that "Damn, she's hot!" He was referring to Angelina Jolie, of course, and this particular incident happened during her full rear nudity scene. I suppose he was amped up by all the sound effects that nearly deafened us during the course of the film. Hell, he could have been trying to whisper to his buddy for all I know. Either way, the incident and its determinants perfectly encompass the elements of the genre that have become fodder for critics and delicious morsels of escapist absurdity for many viewers.

At any rate, the film's scenario concerns downtrodden "accounts manager" Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy, for whom I am gaining more and more respect) whose life, for lack of a better word, sucks. He's oppressed by his overweight boss (funny Lorna Scott), his best friend who clearly uses Wesley to feel good about himself (Chris Pratt), and his very hard to please girlfriend (Kristen Hager). Wesley is part of the corporate machine, and he doesn't feel like he's in control of his life. Luckily for him, a badass assassin aptly named Fox (Angelina Jolie) bounces into his life and whisks him away into the world of professional violence.

Fox brings Wesley to an assassination squad called The Fraternity, overseen by Sloan (Morgan Freeman as his usual calm-but-awesome self) and directed by some sort of magical loom, which directs the assassins to their next "hits." The Fraternity has recruited Wesley because someone named Cross (Thomas Kretschmann) is killing, one by one, all of The Fraternity's members. Since Wesley's dad was one of the best assassins in the world, Sloan believes that Wesley can be trained to the impossibly high standards of his father, making him a perfect weapon to destroy Cross. Trust me, all this makes more sense when you're actually watching the movie.

The movie is definitely nothing more than a well-made summer action popcorn flick. There are interesting bits about kill methods, such as "curving a bullet," and most of those interesting bits are straight out of the fictional world of Frank Millar's Wanted graphic novels - they can't possibly be real. However, although Jolie brings nothing new to the screen (she has very few lines and has played an assassin about three times now), McAvoy creates a memorable character in Wesley. At once dorky, witty, bored, awesome, dangerous, and scary, Wesley is easily relatable. McAvoy's American accent couldn't be better. Meanwhile, when Morgan Freeman says, "Shoot this muthafucka!" the audience will roar.

I don't know about most of you, but I'm getting somewhat bored with the summer fare. There are too many comic book/graphic novel adaptations. However, like I said, this one is well-done. If you're looking for an action-packed movie with big names that will make the popcorn go down easy, you've got a lot to choose from right now. I would recommend Wanted over, at the very least, The Incredible Hulk or Get Smart. But I guess it just depends on what you're into. Big green monster versus killing machine Angelina Jolie. Take your pick. Different strokes for different folks.

I also just want to quickly mention the trailers that are shown before Wanted. Not only is there a fanboy fantasy in the newest trailer for The X-Files: I Want to Believe (I'll probably be one of maybe 20 people to see that), but there's also a red-band trailer for Step Brothers. For those of you who don't know, a red-band trailer is one which has not been "approved for all audiences" - you know that green screen before a trailer? Well, unapproved ones have a red screen, meaning they did not go through the approval process, and therefore can feature whatever content the studio damn well pleases (like the f-bomb, nudity, violence, etc.). I thought it was interesting. I don't recommend seeing this movie for the trailers, however. Some of them looked dreadful (Death Race, anyone?).

VERDICT:
Wanted features what anyone could ask for in an R-rated escapist, mindless action movie: lots of people dying in various methods, blood splattering all over the place, a naked hottie for the overcompensating males in the audience to hoot and holler at, plenty of humor, and whathaveyou. In other words, it's basically a judgment call. I can't really tell you that it's a bad choice when so many people are interested in this kind of movie and it's really the only mainstream genre out right now. But what I can tell you is that this one is pretty darn entertaining, as far as they go. And it's got one thing that a lot of actioners don't: a memorable protagonist.

So should you spend your money? I'd say do a little research before you see it, but you'll most likely enjoy it. Unless you're looking for a deep philosophical message about life or have a cynical and jaded attitude towards the genre, go for it. 7/10

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

There were moments in Prince Caspian in which I couldn't tell if I was watching an installment of The Chronicles of Narnia or of The Lord of the Rings. The scope of the franchise has practically doubled in size since December 2005's The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. From what I can tell, that's probably a good thing.

The extra-long movie, all 147 minutes of it, is adapted and helmed by the steady hand of Andrew Adamson, who also kicked off the series with the first film. Adamson is clearly a fan of the C.S. Lewis books, and his treatment of the material brings to life all the finest elements of Narnia. Unfortunately, as any Lewis reader knows, Prince Caspian isn't quite as rich as The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. That being said, though, the film is quite faithful to the source material.

The Pevensies (aka, the Kings and Queens of Narnia) - Peter (William Moseley), Lucy (Georgie Henley), Edmund (Skandar Keynes), and Susan (Anna Popplewell) - all return for the second installment, and of course this time around, there is the addition of Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes). Caspian summons the family Pevensie when he realizes his tyrannical uncle, King Miraz (Sergio Castellitto - who, btw, looks almost eerily like King Leonidas from 300), is out to kill him for the throne. Miraz believes the Narnians are extinct, but as Caspian soon finds out, all the manimal creatures are quite alive and ready to battle! Which they do...several times.

The first hour of Prince Caspian is, to be honest, kind of a slog. It is much too slow for a film of this scope. But the problem is that there's no way around the slowness. It's been nearly three years since the first movie, so we have to get to know the characters again. And thus comes the film's biggest problem - we never know the Pevensies well enough to really care about them. Plus, we pretty much can guess the outcome of the conflict. So it seems that the first hour could have been accelerated, if only so that the second hour and a half didn't feel so rushed. The latter part of the movie picks up the pace (thank God), but is fraught with battle after battle after battle.

That's not to say that the battles are not awesome...they are quite the spectacle, actually. The entire film, for that matter, is extremely pretty. Which is exactly why it feels very Lord of the Rings-esque. I don't guess that's a bad thing, but Prince Caspian is trying too hard. It never reaches the epic proportions of Wardrobe or any of the LOTR movies. Its villain (Miraz) absolutely sucks in comparison to the White Witch. So in the end, I guess I felt a little cheated. The visual presentation is glorious, but the end result is a little muddled. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Whatever. The fantasy still overrules the weaknesses.

As far as the acting goes, well...I guess it doesn't matter. To be honest, I think the filmmakers could have cast cardboard cutouts in the roles and the fans would have been satisfied. The best of the bunch is the newcomer to the series - Barnes. Everyone else gets the job done, but not exceptionally, although Popplewell looks awesome with her bow and arrow, particularly during the climactic battle. But Moseley's interpretation of Peter is awful. As a result, Peter is hardly likable at all: He's arrogant, whiny, confrontational, and emotionless. Notably gone from the cast are James McAvoy's Mr. Tumnus and Mr. and Mrs. Beaver (sure it's been 1300 years in Narnia and they're probably dead, but, you know...). However, there is a surprise appearance by one of Wardrobe's main characters. I won't spoil who it is, but it's a welcome appearance. The other additional characters are great. And Aslan, as expected, makes an honorable appearance.

VERDICT:
The first hour is tough, but after that, it becomes...a pretty good movie. Not as incredible and magnificent as Wardrobe, but still worlds better than other capitalistic sequels (see: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest). It's a movie much more enjoyable on the big screen...looking UP at the beautiful cinematography and flawless CGI as opposed to DOWN at the television adds to the magic. In the end, this is a movie that everyone sees no matter what anyone says about it, particularly if you're my age and/or a fan of the C.S. Lewis book. So should you buy a ticket? YES. 7/10