Watchmen

More and more, I am of the opinion that viral marketing = bad movie. As you know, Watchmen has been touted since last summer as "the next great graphic novel adaptation." And when I say touted, I mean advertised out the wazoo for weeks upon months.

Unfortunately, the hype was a little much, and if people are looking for 300-level excitement, this movie will sorely disappoint. Not only was the film weaker than weak, it was at times downright difficult to watch. The film (and graphic novel) certainly has a philosophy to espouse, but it takes - get ready - two hours and forty minutes to make its point. And when the movie finally does come in for a landing, you are not breathless, shocked, curious, [insert any synonym of "awed" here]. In fact, you're probably asleep by the end of the film. Because when its violence isn't making you squirm in your seat and cover your face, its tedium and verbosity are making you yawn and check your watch.

The Watchmen are a group of superheroes who are really more like vigilantes. They have no superpowers, depending instead on their BAMFish qualities to take down the bad guys. They exist in a - brace yourself - dystopian alternate America in 1985. Nixon is still President (neat?), cars can fly (k?), and crime is rampant (surprise!). One of them, The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) is murdered, and the film's premise follows Rohrschach (Jackie Earle Haley) as he attempts to solve the murder. Rohrschach believes someone is out to kill all the existing Watchmen, who have been banned from fighting crime. No one knows the real identities of the former crime fighters, for they were always masked. The mystery is: How did someone discover The Comedian's true identity? Is his murder related at all to his Watchman status? What the hell is going on?

Anyway, we also meet Silk Spectre II (Malin Akerman), Ozymandias (Matthew Goode), Nite Owl II (Patrick Wilson), and Dr. Manhattan('s penis) (Billy Crudup)('s CGI-enhanced penis). Dr. Manhattan, the only Watchman with real superpowers, survived a freak accident that left him indestructable, blue, emotionless, shapeshifting, time-stopping, everything else awesome, and naked. He is, in fact, nude for almost the entire film, which I didn't mind so much, except that I don't know how the film's target market (young men) felt when they saw an enormous blue penis swinging around for the duration. It's ever-present, almost surreal, never sexual, and always comical. Trust me, by the end, you'll be laughing everytime Dr. Manhattan('s penis) appears on screen.

Now for the violence. Watchmen contains more than its share of graphic, graphic violence. Unnecessarily gross, exaggerated, and gory. Wanna see a person explode? This movie's for you. How about a man getting his arms cut off with a table saw? Buy a ticket. Subtle, this movie is not. Heavy on the blood, this movie totally is. I'll give the filmmakers one thing: they embrace the gore factor wholeheartedly.

The characters run the emotional gamut from A to B. Dr. Manhattan('s penis) has no human qualities anymore, other than his physical form. The Comedian, at one point, carelessly murders his pregnant girlfriend because she needs his help with the baby. Rohrschach speaks with a Batman growl that betrays no character. Basically, the film rests on Silk Spectre II and Nite Owl II, who try hard (and engage in a ridiculously lengthy and graphic sex scene that could easily fit into a pornographic film), but never really lift this baby off the ground.

I don't know who would really enjoy this film. Action mongers will be left needing a little more. Those looking for a human story will be highly disappointed. Young male audiences will be uncomfortable and forced to make fun of Dr. Manhattan('s penis) with their buddies to stave off the insecurity. Who's left? Only those that have been duped by this film's deceptive marketing. Judging by the opening weekend numbers, I'd say the marketing department pretty much saved this film from flopping on the deck like a dying fish. And like that fish, you'll be gasping for air by the time nearly three hours of your life have passed you by.

VERDICT:
There's really not much left to say. Overall, Watchmen fails on every level. Its philosophy is tired, its plot is sluggish and excessive, its characters are perhaps too flawed. In the end, you'll probably want your money back. I know I did. I strongly recommend using your time more productively. The film: 5/10. Dr. Manhattan's penis: I'm guessing 9" or 10".

Hancock

I could hear the sounds in my head: CRASH! KABOOM! BANG! WHOOOOPS! They sounded remarkably like a movie plot derailing from its tracks. Kinda like the train that drunken superhero John Hancock (Will Smith) crashes in order to save PR rep Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman). Follow this metaphor: if the train represents the plot, then Hancock himself represents the unnecessary plot twist. When Hancock steps in front of the train, it completely demolishes the locomotive and prevents it from any further smooth traveling. Not only was there so much more that the train could have seen, but the distance it had already traveled was just a happy buildup to a disaster waiting to happen.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, so let's shift it back. Hancock starts out with genuine comedic gold. That is, Will Smith portraying a curmudgeonly, inebriated superhero that leaves more damage in his wake than is necessary. When he stops three bank robbers in a high-speed car chase, he causes $9 million in damages to the city of Los Angeles. Therefore, in a unique spin on the superhero genre, he is actually an unwanted superhero, and he generally does not care about what or whom he saves.

Sample dialogue:
Jeering woman: "I can smell that liquor on your breath!"
Hancock: "'Cause I been drinkin', bitch!"

Then things take a turn. He saves idealistic PR rep Ray Embrey in the aforementioned train collision, for which Ray decides to repay Hancock by changing his public image from one of resentment to one of responsibility. When Hancock meets Ray's wife Mary (Charlize Theron), she gives him a strange, lingering look of...well, she looks like she knows something. Meanwhile, Ray decides to allow Hancock to be arrested for all his outstanding warrants in order to show the public that Hancock takes responsibility for his carelessness. Initially apprehensive, Hancock goes to jail and learns how to say "Good job" to policemen. After a few days, Ray's plan pays off when the LAPD calls on Hancock to stop a violent bank robber. He does...in a very Superman-ly kind of way. (There is even a sample of the Superman theme in this scene.) All of this setup is hunky dory, enjoyable, and even hilarious at times; although, I had a hard time forgiving the tasteless scene in which Hancock punishes a couple of cellmates who clearly don't know what he can do.

And then...it all comes crashing down. A little over halfway through, the plot twist arrives, and all that terrific buildup is rendered useless. Everything that follows it is melodramatic and cliche. Any time a movie shifts from comedy to drama at the midway point, it's a sign that something must have gone wrong somewhere in the writing...or maybe the directing. It almost seems that the second half of the movie could have also been funny, but it was acted straight. Every line, every facial expression, every lighting scheme - all shot as if the movie were a character drama. And I just don't understand why. I don't know why Hancock had to step in front of that train.

Theron can not play comedy, although her scenes with Bateman are especially good, considering the two have played a (slightly mismatched?) couple before in Arrested Development. Smith starts out as an unshaven slob, and when he cleans up he looks like...Will Smith in Independence Day. Or I Am Legend. Or I, Robot. After he loses the edge of the first half of the movie, he loses the interest of the audience. Bateman, too, goes from hilarious to sappy. But like I've already said, all these problems are brought on by the destructive revelation at the halfway point.

I suppose Hancock will open to big - maybe even huge - box office numbers. I concede that the moviegoing public's taste has degraded. I have a friend who dismissed my warnings by insisting that, "as long as we get to see Will Smith prancing around for a couple of hours and maybe a few car crashes and some pretty people on screen, it will be worth the price of admission. I don't want to think when I'm watching a movie." Okay, then. I suppose it has come down to a shallow appreciation for attractive movie stars and pointless special effects to please us. But even movies with pretty people and car crashes can be decent films - Wanted, for example. Hancock is just an exercise in frivolity - a movie that verges on insulting us with its ridiculous tone shifts and completely arbitrary explanations as to why the story backpedals for a good half hour. And the ending is so obviously a last-minute change brought on by unfavorable test audience reactions. I can just hear Joe Filmgoer saying, "Movies must end happily, dammit! This isn't real life!" Indeed, it isn't, Joe. Indeed, it is not.

VERDICT:
Hancock is not a good movie. If anything, it is merely a star vehicle for Will Smith, who is admittedly entertaining in, at least, the first half of the movie. It is a very short film - mercifully so. But it is weak - there is such promise in the setup that just is not delivered. The twist in Hancock is not the kind that delights with its unexpectedness - it is the kind that is added in an attempt to make the movie more than what it should be. Unfortunately, the sudden shift in tone snaps the film in two, and, like Hancock himself, leaves a messy trail of debris. Even a superhero couldn't save this disaster.

So should you spend your money?
Absolutely not. Don't shell out two gallons' gas worth of dough for this dreck. Don't pay for a disappointment. A very generous 4/10.

Wanted

All I knew going into this movie was what the trailer showed me: relentless action, a fish out of water becoming an assassin, Angelina Jolie in yet another bad ass role, etc. It wasn't much to go on. So I was actually pleasantly surprised by the overall plot and execution of Wanted. Directed by Russian-Kazakh filmmaker Timur Bekmambetov, the movie flows quite smoothly from Acts I, II, and III and never bores the audience.

And I could easily read the audience - far from bored. At one point, a frat-tastic gentleman behind me hollered, very enthusiastically, that "Damn, she's hot!" He was referring to Angelina Jolie, of course, and this particular incident happened during her full rear nudity scene. I suppose he was amped up by all the sound effects that nearly deafened us during the course of the film. Hell, he could have been trying to whisper to his buddy for all I know. Either way, the incident and its determinants perfectly encompass the elements of the genre that have become fodder for critics and delicious morsels of escapist absurdity for many viewers.

At any rate, the film's scenario concerns downtrodden "accounts manager" Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy, for whom I am gaining more and more respect) whose life, for lack of a better word, sucks. He's oppressed by his overweight boss (funny Lorna Scott), his best friend who clearly uses Wesley to feel good about himself (Chris Pratt), and his very hard to please girlfriend (Kristen Hager). Wesley is part of the corporate machine, and he doesn't feel like he's in control of his life. Luckily for him, a badass assassin aptly named Fox (Angelina Jolie) bounces into his life and whisks him away into the world of professional violence.

Fox brings Wesley to an assassination squad called The Fraternity, overseen by Sloan (Morgan Freeman as his usual calm-but-awesome self) and directed by some sort of magical loom, which directs the assassins to their next "hits." The Fraternity has recruited Wesley because someone named Cross (Thomas Kretschmann) is killing, one by one, all of The Fraternity's members. Since Wesley's dad was one of the best assassins in the world, Sloan believes that Wesley can be trained to the impossibly high standards of his father, making him a perfect weapon to destroy Cross. Trust me, all this makes more sense when you're actually watching the movie.

The movie is definitely nothing more than a well-made summer action popcorn flick. There are interesting bits about kill methods, such as "curving a bullet," and most of those interesting bits are straight out of the fictional world of Frank Millar's Wanted graphic novels - they can't possibly be real. However, although Jolie brings nothing new to the screen (she has very few lines and has played an assassin about three times now), McAvoy creates a memorable character in Wesley. At once dorky, witty, bored, awesome, dangerous, and scary, Wesley is easily relatable. McAvoy's American accent couldn't be better. Meanwhile, when Morgan Freeman says, "Shoot this muthafucka!" the audience will roar.

I don't know about most of you, but I'm getting somewhat bored with the summer fare. There are too many comic book/graphic novel adaptations. However, like I said, this one is well-done. If you're looking for an action-packed movie with big names that will make the popcorn go down easy, you've got a lot to choose from right now. I would recommend Wanted over, at the very least, The Incredible Hulk or Get Smart. But I guess it just depends on what you're into. Big green monster versus killing machine Angelina Jolie. Take your pick. Different strokes for different folks.

I also just want to quickly mention the trailers that are shown before Wanted. Not only is there a fanboy fantasy in the newest trailer for The X-Files: I Want to Believe (I'll probably be one of maybe 20 people to see that), but there's also a red-band trailer for Step Brothers. For those of you who don't know, a red-band trailer is one which has not been "approved for all audiences" - you know that green screen before a trailer? Well, unapproved ones have a red screen, meaning they did not go through the approval process, and therefore can feature whatever content the studio damn well pleases (like the f-bomb, nudity, violence, etc.). I thought it was interesting. I don't recommend seeing this movie for the trailers, however. Some of them looked dreadful (Death Race, anyone?).

VERDICT:
Wanted features what anyone could ask for in an R-rated escapist, mindless action movie: lots of people dying in various methods, blood splattering all over the place, a naked hottie for the overcompensating males in the audience to hoot and holler at, plenty of humor, and whathaveyou. In other words, it's basically a judgment call. I can't really tell you that it's a bad choice when so many people are interested in this kind of movie and it's really the only mainstream genre out right now. But what I can tell you is that this one is pretty darn entertaining, as far as they go. And it's got one thing that a lot of actioners don't: a memorable protagonist.

So should you spend your money? I'd say do a little research before you see it, but you'll most likely enjoy it. Unless you're looking for a deep philosophical message about life or have a cynical and jaded attitude towards the genre, go for it. 7/10

The Incredible Hulk

This seems to be the summer of the superhero blockbuster. Iron Man has already dazzled audiences and critics alike. Coming up are Will Smith's action comedy Hancock, Guillermo del Toro's Hellboy II: The Golden Army, and of course, the highly-anticipated Batman sequel The Dark Knight. And in between those that have already satisfied and those that are bound to satisfy, we have The Incredible Hulk - a quasi-sequel to Ang Lee's 2003 effort Hulk, but more of a retelling of the original story from the ground up than anything.

The film's opening and subsequent re-introduction of the main characters help to completely eliminate the 2003 version from memory. Within the span of a few minutes, we learn how Dr. Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) went from brilliant scientist to not-so-jolly green giant. Shortly thereafter, we learn that Banner is now in Brazil, living in the ghetto and working in a bottling plant. A superimposed text provides us with a count of "Days Without Incident." And all the while, Banner takes breathing lessons and anger management sessions to control his heart rate (presumably to prevent him from transforming into the titular monster).

Then, there is an accident in the bottling factory, which alerts General Ross (William Hurt) to Banner's location. The General recruits Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth) to head to South America with a team of military folks in order to find and capture Banner. Which they do not. Following a chase scene, we get our first glimpse of the Hulk, who quickly disposes of the bothersome tactical team and disappears. Heading north, Banner finds Betty Ross (Liv Tyler), the scientist who helped create the body-changing serum that produced his alter ego. From there, the plot speeds up. General Ross (yes, Betty's father) injects Blonsky with a performance-enhancing chemical that will supposedly make him a better match for the Hulk. It does. Blonsky eventually becomes the Abomination. And then...battle time.

I suppose the only big problem I have with The Incredible Hulk (helmed by French director Louis Leterrier...of The Transporter fame) is its somewhat weak CGI. I guess it's good enough, but the final battle in particular looks downright silly at times. Still, though, this film is very action-oriented, and will no doubt please the fans of the comic books. Taking place in the same universe as Iron Man, this will be the second film in Marvel's arsenal to kick off a successful franchise. I have no reservations saying that.

The Incredible Hulk is certainly not as good as some of the other comic book adaptations of recent years, but then again, the first film in this kind of franchise is nearly always the weakest. It's like a TV show - the first season sets up the characters, establishes the personalities, provides a few good plot details, and the viewer eventually becomes comfortable with the situations and feels like it knows the people. Following the first season, the writers no longer worry about the establishing aspect and can move on to the good stuff. The Incredible Hulk 2 or, more likely, The Incredible Hulk Returns or The Incredible Hulk Forever will be better-paced with a better villain and improved special effects. Audience reaction will let the producers know where they went wrong with this film, so by the time the sequel rolls around, those problems will have been erased.

Don't get me wrong, though. This film entertains. It is a popcorn flick of the first order. Like Spider-Man, X-Men, Superman Returns, and Batman Begins before it, The Incredible Hulk mixes the right amount of setup-setup-action scene-setup-action scene-setup-action scene to keep your interest. And the final scene (with a cameo that will bring down the house) is clever enough to leave you begging for more.

VERDICT:
The Incredible Hulk is a fanboy's fantasy. It's a good mix of the action and emotion that audiences have come to expect from this genre. And even though it's not one of the best, it's still fairly enticing. Although the Hulk is not necessarily a "superhero" of the traditional order, he's certainly an intriguing character. A very angry, intriguing character. And when you hear him growl "Hulk Smash!", your heart rate will probably raise to a dangerously high level. Probably not high enough, though, to transform you into a raging, grayish-green, 10-foot tall beast.

So should you spend your money? If you're a diehard fan of the Hulk, yes. If you're looking for an interesting action movie and/or anything other than The Happening, sure. If you're hoping for a movie on the level of Iron Man, no. 8/10